Coffee with Joy

a.k.a. A Book Review/Open Letter to Shannon Harris, author of The Woman They Wanted: Shattering The Illusion Of The Good Christian Wife

Book Summary: Shannon Harris did not grow up in Christianity and yet she found herself quickly entrenched in an ultra conservative church, married to the poster boy of purity culture. She details the expectations placed on her by church leadership and also her experience of losing pretty much all autonomy over her own life, even down to the planning of her own wedding. She was thrown into all of this relatively quickly after having a conversion experience by taking a job at the church, which led to meeting her husband and becoming a pastor’s wife. If you are unfamiliar with Shannon’s story or would like to hear more about it, I highly encourage you to read her book.

Dear Shannon,

Thank you for sharing your story with such great bravery and vulnerability. I am convinced that your story has helped many women in ministry and women with spouses in ministry to know that they are not alone, and that many, many more would benefit from reading your book. The church as a whole should also pay attention to your story and the myriads of other stories like yours.

Many have been hurt by the blatant abuse of power and other abuses that have taken place in the church. Many prominent pastors have fallen to these things, and it seems like the bigger the church, the harder the fall of the leader(s). There seem to be less and less exceptions as more and more of this behavior comes to light. There are some good resources out there, taking on these issues, such as The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast and the book, A Church Called Tov, by Scot McKnight. We have seen glimpses of survivor stories within these resources, but yours is the most thorough I have heard.

Shannon, your story is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for everything you went through at the hand of the church institution you were a part of. I am so sorry that was your only experience of church ever. You were deeply hurt by the unrealistic and unbiblical expectations projected on you by the church you were a part of.

Your story hit a nerve with me, which caught me off guard, and I had to explore the possible reasons for that. You see, I’ve never met you and I’m not in a church or marriage remotely like yours. I did meet your husband, Josh, one time when he spoke at my school, but I don’t think that was it.

After some soul searching, I have come to the conclusion that your story was so poignant to me because I could have been you. I came of age during the height of purity culture. I was a vulnerable, naive, people-pleasing young woman. I trusted all church leadership all the time and believed that no one who calls themselves a Christian could be abusive in any way. I was even involved in a church that followed the Sovereign Grace teachings, which is the denomination that hurt you, however my church was much healthier with a humble leader, so it didn’t go down the same route at all. The only teaching about relationships available to me as a young girl was abstinence and the purity culture prosperity gospel. As a result of this, I believed all the guys at Bible college would have pure motives and a heart to serve the Lord, which I believe primed me to get involved in an unhealthy relationship at age 18. However, that wasn’t my future, but it was yours.

The most heartbreaking thing about your story, Shannon, is that you ended up walking away from the faith completely. Because, you know what? Jesus is not the church institution that hurt you. Jesus is not the patriarchy. Jesus did not abuse power. In fact, He came to break down the very things that hurt you. Jesus condemned hypocrisy and the institutions that upheld it (Matthew 23 – the whole chapter). Jesus broke the cultural norms with how He treated women (Galatians 3:28). Jesus was the literal embodiment of humility (Colossians 2:6-8). Jesus always holds up and He is worth holding on to.

So, Shannon, if you ever find yourself with even an inkling of curiosity toward the faith again, start looking to Jesus – who He is, what He did, what He stood for. Church hurt is a real thing, and institutions may fail us. The things we add to the Word of God may fail us. Culture may fail us. But Jesus – He always holds up. You are His precious child, made in His image, and He will welcome you back with open arms. Above all else, you are always loved.